


The Sorting Hat

by Not_Your_Deers



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-05 15:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18831223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_Your_Deers/pseuds/Not_Your_Deers
Summary: “There's nothing hidden in your headThe Sorting Hat can't see,So try me on and I will tell youWhere you ought to be.”“What the Actual Fuck, Peter Benjamin Parker?!”Aka: Peter and Shuri spend three days in the best lab Stark Tower has to offer, and create a brilliant invention. No one else is quite as pleased. But, they come around.





	1. Avengers, Assemble!

Peter Parker didn’t wake up on the morning of that fateful Sunday. He had pulled two all-nighters to finish this project with Shuri, and it was finally done. He smiled to himself as he got up from the lab bench and stretched. Shuri stirred from her place face down on the table as he did.

“Is it morning?” she asked, rubbing her eyes sleepily. Peter nodded, and smiled again, waving a hand at the project on the table. She beamed.

It was complete.

\---

Tony Stark woke up to the sound of his phone buzzing rather aggressively. He had a text, and it must be important.

He yawned, still tired from his late night, and smiled at Pepper as he grabbed his phone. When Tony read the message, he immediately jumped out of bed, pulled on his clothes, and almost ran out of the room, leaving his phone, turned on, on the bedside table.

It read: “Come downstairs, Mr Stark, it’s urgent.”

\---

Natasha Romanoff almost slept right through the sixteen messages Peter Parker sent her. She wished, looking back, that she had.

But she didn’t, and so, after she had pulled on her clothes for the day, done her hair, and kissed a just-waking Bruce on the forehead, she checked her phone. Natasha almost dropped it in shock.

It read: “Aunt Natasha, I need you.”

\---

Dr Stephen Strange was asleep when the message came, though for him that didn’t mean much. He was studying in his astral form. He put his book down slowly on the bed next to him.

Stephen picked up his phone, and checked the weather, intentionally ignoring the message. However, after the tenth message, he finally checked, and immediately swore.

It read: “I need medical attention - Peter.”

\---

The Guardians were extremely annoyed when the message cut off their music. They were listening to Come A Little Bit Closer, when it suddenly went silent. Gamora grabbed Quill’s phone,

She laughed, and adjusted their course for Earth. Quill looked at her curiously, and in response she showed the screen to the rest of the group.

It read: “You are summoned”.

\---

T’Challa was in an important board meeting when Shuri called him. He ignored it, He almost ignored the second call as well, but Okoye looked at him pointedly, so he sighed and answered the call.

“Hey, come to New York immediately!” Shuri hung up, and T’Challa rolled his eyes, looking to Nakia for advice. She nodded, smiling. He got up and prepared to leave. As he walked out, he saw a text.

It read: “And I Mean Immediately, Brother!”

\---

Bruce was already awake when he received his message - He had already been starting to stir when Natasha had left, and by the time his own phone rang, he was already sitting up.

He rubbed his eyes, looking at the half-open bedroom door, before checking his phone. Bruce rolled his eyes, ran a hand through his hair, and resigned himself to getting up. He left his phone on his pillow as he went into the bathroom.

It read: “IT’S ALIVE!!!!”

\---

Scott Lang was watching TV with his daughter when his phone rang in the other room. He was tempted to ignore it, but Cassie paused the show, and nudged him. As he walked into the room, he saw Hope leaning on the counter and smirking.

She nodded to his phone, which was on top of the fridge, and went back to making her coffee. Scott nearly had to jump to reach the phone, but he grabbed it. He logged in (having to try twice, because his finger slipped), and read the message from Peter Parker.

It read: “SCOOT! Your bug boy needs you! (Bring Hope)”

\---

Bucky and Steve were sitting on the floor of Steve’s apartment, eating leftover pizza, when both of their phones buzzed at once. Bucky jumped, still startled by loud noises, and looked at Steve questioningly.

He smiled at his friend, and nodded. Bucky began to clear up the remnants of their breakfast, while Steve checked their phones. Once he read the message they had received from Spiderman, he jumped up, and grabbed their things, preparing to leave. The same message was visible on both screens.

It read: “Need Help. Come to Tower.”

\---

Clint’s phone was on silent, and on any other day, he won’t have seen the texts until it was too late. But his daughter Lila had a Birthday Party to attend by Noon, so he got out of bed, and found his phone full of messages.

He rolled his eyes at Peter’s antics, and went back to getting dressed, waking up Laura, and making sure Lila had her things. It was only when he went downstairs to make himself breakfast that he read the texts. He immediately dropped his phone and ran to the door. Every message was the same.

It read: “Uncle Clint. Nat wants you at the tower”.

\---

Thor screamed when the Phone rang loudly, blaring music from the speakers at full volume. He, Loki, and Valkyrie had been playing the Earth board game - Smash Up! - when it happened. They couldn’t play anymore, however, as he knocked the board (and Valkyrie’s Drink) over as he jumped.

Loki picked up the small device, which was technically his, and thumbed through the apps. He was clearly dragging out the time it took him to look, making Thor extremely nervous. Val rolled her eyes, and Loki finally held up his phone.

It read: “Want to learn more about Earth?”

\---

It took less than an hour after Peter’s texts for the whole Avengers team (complete with the Guardians, Loki, Ned, MJ, Scott, and Stephen) to assemble in one of the smaller living rooms on the Penthouse floor of the tower.

 

Everyone looked around, trying to understand what was happening, and why they had been called. Stephen especially looked nervous, while MJ and Ned were smirking. Peter appeared dramatically, and smiled at them all. Tony shifted uncomfortably, extremely worried.

Peter pulled something out from behind a table with a flourish, and placed it on the table. It began to sing…

_\---_

_“There's nothing hidden in your head_

_The Sorting Hat can't see,_

_So try me on and I will tell you_

_Where you ought to be.”_

_\---_

“What the Actual Fuck, Peter Benjamin Parker?!”


	2. Does It Even Work?

“It’s a Sorting Hat, Mr Stark,” he said with an innocent smile.

“Right. And you built it… why?” 

Shuri stepped up to explain, “Peter and I were fighting about what houses you were in, so we built a completely neutral mind-reading Sorting Hat to test for us.” She smiled, and Steve scoffed from the crowd at the back of the room.

“And you know it’s completely neutral how…?” He asked, and Bucky nodded beside him, hand linked in his.

“Easy,” Peter said cheerfully as Shuri placed the Hat on his head, “We test it! It might take a while”.

Most of the adults look unsure as they waited for the Hat’s results, while a few were grinning like Children, and Strange looked ready to murder them all.

Shuri added as the time hit four minutes, “He thinks he’s a Hufflepuff, and I think he’s a Ravenclaw, so that should help show the neutrality.”

The group waited with a mixture of excitement, exasperation, and anxiety. Tony was about to call everything off when the Hat yelled.

“GRYFFINDOR!”

Peter looked confused, pulling the hat off his head. He raised an eyebrow at Shuri, who just smiled knowingly and looked at Tony. The man nodded, resigned.

“YES!” Ned yelled from the corner, and everyone turned to him, surprised, as they hadn’t even noticed he or MJ was there.

Nebula sighed loudly from her place in the other corner.

This might possibly be the worst thing to ever happen in the Avengers Tower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sorry this one is a bit short, the next ones will have two or three people and will be substantially longer*


	3. GRYFFINPUFF!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I Am Groot!

“So, then, who’s next?” Shuri asked eagerly. No one raised their hands.

After a few moments, Steve stepped forward, sighing, “I might as well get this over with, huh?”

Several of the Human Avengers laughed at this, and Steve took his place on the chair the two teens had set out for him, smiling at Bucky.

When the Hat touched his hair, Steve heard a deep voice.

_ “Well, then, this is rather obvious.” _

He looked around, confused, and a few seconds later, the Hat screeched,

“GRYFFINDOR!”

No one looked surprised by this decision, as Tony was all too happy to point out. Those who had been skeptical of the hat became more certain at hearing yet another correct description.

“Wh-What was that voice?” Steve asked as he got up, handing the hat to Shuri as he did.

“Oh,” she said, “Did i forget to mention that it does that? Just like in the books!”

The soldier was still quite confused, but decided to drop the subject in favor of getting everything over quicker.

Groot stepped up then, moving his lanky form quickly and thumping down loudly onto the seat. Rocket and Quill rolled their eyes at the young tree’s antics, but waited alongside anyone else as the Hat was placed on his spiky head.

_ “I am… Groot?”  _  the voice spoke.

_ “I Am Groot”  _ he thought back with certainty - he was strangely glad the Hat spoke his language - his ideas never translated quite right.

_ “I. Am. Groot.”   _ the Hat responded.

_ “I am groot!” _

With that, the Hat made its decision.

“HUFFLEPUFF!”

Groot looked proud and slightly amused as he returned to his place, high-fiving Peter as he walked past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Groot Translations:  
> Description - The first, slightly reluctant, volunteers get sorted.  
> Hat #1 - You... died for them?  
> Groot #1 - Yes, but I came back.  
> Hat #2 - Well, this seems easy.  
> Groot #2 - It is!

**Author's Note:**

> (Would this be considered a Harry Potter fic?)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading. Comments are appreciated!
> 
> \- The Slytherin.


End file.
